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“When we are no longer afraid of who we are, we act from integrity and authenticity”

Richard Strozzi-Heckler

I’ve spent my whole life seeking to become authentic. Why did it take so long? Two reasons:

I had to find the unabashed courage to be me—despite other people’s reactions and judgments. And it took years to find myself and escape the version of me that tried to fit in with the expectations of others.

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There is a particular moment that stands out for me.

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It was the spring of 2018 and I’d signed up for a Life Coach Training at a conference center in Los Angeles. At the first course there were about twenty-five people: two master coaches, three assistants and twenty or so students. It was the first time in years I had been in a group setting.

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It took me back many years to a spiritual retreat I attended in France. I took part in a special exercise which had been created by the teacher. The purpose of the exercise was for us to experience how group thinking on a certain topic can influence us to fit in.  Anyone who thinks differently, or who threatens the majority, runs the risk of incurring wrath. If you up the stakes and it becomes a matter of survival, most people will go along because they are too afraid of the consequences. This exercise perfectly re-created fear and paranoia in all the participants and I got to understand the dark side hidden in all of us. Fortunately, we all emerged unscathed, but the experience left a deep impression on me.

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Fast forward to 2018, sitting on a chair in a circle of a group of people I didn’t know, I felt a foreshadowing of that fear I had experienced in France many years ago. This course was important to me, it held the promise of a new career and I’d been looking forward to it for months.

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I don’t know why I took that step that weekend. It was like jumping off a cliff but the time seemed right and I believe in the grace of timing.

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 As I sat in that chair, there was a fire building inside of me, that being my true self was more important than letting my fear hold me back. I am naturally introverted and afraid of public speaking. But that weekend, on numerous occasions, I spoke up if I didn’t agree or felt I could offer a different perspective. Sometimes people didn’t understand what I was saying but I didn’t let that stop me. I noticed that the more I did it, the more I felt alive and present. That weekend, I stopped thinking and started being. I no longer felt I needed to conform to other people’s ideas. The risk was worth it, even if it meant being expelled from the group.

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We all think we are authentic but most of us fail to live up to our ideals.

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I was raised to be a people pleaser. A “good” girl. I’m a very good listener because it covered over how uncomfortable I felt around other people. All of my emotions were carefully controlled, coiled tight and often hidden. I didn’t fit in and felt different to others but that led me on the path to whom I am today.

Since that weekend in 2018, my fear no longer controls me. Inside my being, I am much more peaceful. I am not afraid of being “seen.” These days I can walk up to perfect strangers and start conversations with them. I no longer feel the need to pretend to be anyone other than myself. It’s such a relief to fully accept my flaws and acknowledge my strengths, happier and more fulfilled than ever.